Jesus Hold You

It's a prayer.  A 3-word prayer.  "Jesus hold you." And I prayed it a lot this summer.  Yes, I know, something isn't right about the grammar.

If you've read my earlier blog posts, you may remember one about William's favorite phrases.  A common one became "Amma hold you!" (Or substitute "Mommy" or "Daddy"). At first it was literal and meant "I want you to hold me."  But later, it was just an expression of need.  Something is wrong! I don't like this! I need comfort! Or even, I don't know what I need or want or how to ask for it! Help! He would even say it while he was being held.

Often during this summer I felt like William when it came to prayer.  I just didn’t have the right words or even know exactly what I was asking. 

I thought about one of my favorite verses:

"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans." Romans 8:26

And if there was ever I time I felt weak and didn’t know what I ought to pray – this was it.  And God – Father, Son, and Holy Spirit – is like a loving parent, a mother and a father, that comforts his children.

“As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you; and you will be comforted over Jerusalem.”

Isaiah 66:13 NIV

“The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children.”

Romans 8:15-16 NIV

"See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!" I John 3:1a

So, knowing these promises, I just said “Jesus hold you. Jesus hold you. Jesus hold you.”  And my prayer was honored.

Now that I am back in a place where I can pray more carefully worded, thought-out prayers, I don’t know that there will ever be a more sincere one that the 3-word one.  Or maybe I’ll get really wordy:

Father hold you. Jesus hold you.  Spirit hold you. Amen.

“He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters.”

Psalm 18:16 NIV

NICU days by the numbers

Somehow I feel the need to quantify the experience we had from May 1 to August 6.

98 - The total number of days Laura and Isaac were patients at Norfolk General and CHKD (Children's Hospital of the King's Daughters).

77 - The number of days between Isaac's birth and his discharge (or the number of days in the NICU.)

308 - Number of drives through tunnels to and from Norfolk.  That's two tunnels each way: the Monitor Merrimack Bridge Tunnel (which William enjoyed saying) and the Midtown Tunnel (toll tunnel).

500 (approx) - Number of times Laura pumped milk before actually breastfeeding Isaac.

1500oz - Amount of milk Laura donated to the milk bank just before leaving the hospital.  Yes, that's right.  And that was less than half of what they had stored in the freezer.  Milk pumped while she was on antibiotics could not be donated :(.  But think how many little bitty preemies will be helped! She is a rock star at the milk bank.

2 - The number of (white) women without visible tattoos in and around the hospital.  And they were Laura and me.  Haha....ok maybe that's an exaggeration.  But they were VERY prevalent.

.19 miles - the distance Laura had to walk from her courtesy room in Norfolk General to the bedside in the NICU to feed Isaac.  The final week or two this included feedings at 11pm and 2am.  The walk was indoors but included an elevator ride and requests to pass through security and to enter the NICU.  When Isaac moved to the stepdown unit, there was a second elevator ride and additional walk.

25,000 - The number of germs per square inch on your cell phone (according to a new sign in the NICU which asked you to keep your phone in a ziplock bag).

4 - number of birthdays celebrated while at the hospital.  Laura (May 8), Michael (July 31), William (July 24), and of course, Isaac (May 22). My birthday (August 9) occurred on my last day in Virginia, but Isaac was home!

2 - The number of Sundays I attended worship during this time.  Both were in July and at First Pres Norfolk, near the hospital.

20-30 - The number of containers of hummus purchased and eaten, paired with yellow/orange peppers and/or pita chips (Harris Teeter brand is the best!)

10-15 - The number of boxes of Frosted Mini Wheats purchased and eaten (mostly by Laura and Michael). As the summer progressed, William also began requesting "Daddy's cereal"

90-100 - The range you wanted Isaac to stay in for oxygen saturation.  Lower numbers resulted in beeping or even a "de-sat" :(

100-200 - The range you wanted Isaac's heartrate to stay in.  Lower numbers resulted in beeping or even a brady :(

0 - The number of movies, sporting events, or cookouts attended. Beach/lake trips or summer vacation of any kind taken.  Visits to you-pick farm or farmers' market. Non-essential shopping trips. Graduations/weddings/showers or other family celebrations attended. 

6 - Other babies in pod E with Isaac.

70- Total capacity of CHKD NICU.

1140 grams - Isaac's weight at birth (2lbs 8oz).

2500 grams - Isaac's weight at discharge (5 lbs 8oz)

125 - The number of days/nights I have spent in Virginia in 2015.

123 - The number of nights Laura had spent in her new Virginia home in 2015 as of August 9 when I left.  (Yes...I spent more time in her home than she did...)

8 - Number of days before Laura was able to kiss Isaac.

12 days - Isaac's age when he received his first tiny tube feeding of mother's milk.

20 days - Isaac's age when Laura first held him.

30 days- Isaac's age when William first met him.

35 days - Number of days Isaac spent on the jet ventilator.  Laura can now hold Isaac every day.

36 days - Isaac's age when Michael first held Isaac.

38 days - Isaac's age when he extubated himself. And his first audible cry.

22 weeks - earliest gestational arrival of a baby in our pod: Jayson.  He went home after 6 months.

154 - Number of nursing shifts during our stay (77x2)

75ish - Number of different nurses that cared for Isaac.  This was very disconcerting.  We would have loved more continuity.

60 days - Isaac's age at first breastfeed.

64 days - Isaac's age on William's 2nd birthday when he could begin visiting every day.

1 - The number of nights spent at the Ronald McDonald house.  MUCH better accommodations than the hospital courtesy room.  But they lived 5 miles too close to qualify for an extended stay there.

12 - Approximate number of meals provided by new Yorktown friends (mostly from church). Note to self:  Enchilada casserole is very popular. Remember to bring something else!

Countless: expressions of love, caring, and support in the form of calls, texts, emails, notes, packages and gifts, caring bridge comments, meals, visits, and prayer. Thank you to friends, family, church family, and even strangers.

The brown car

Ok. Not sure it was really brown, but it was one of those nondescript colors sedans come in. (William had to call it something.) And it was parked in Laura and Michael's yard just beside the driveway for several months. This was a favor to a family at their church who needed a place to park it while he was deployed and she went to Minnesota to be with family. 

So it has been kind of a landmark in the yard. William always likes to look at the tires of any car parked outside. And there was a patch of clover (many 4-leafed!) behind the card. And most exciting of all, the 'white light' was just beyond it. (Somehow the lamppost mysteriously received this name)

The car became a part of the landscape. So when Don was visiting and asked the last time the car had been started, Michael and I said 'Well....'  Yes, of course, the battery was dead. There was nothing to be done at that point. 

Fast forward to Tuesday of this week. I was tired. This was day three with no nap. (If that sounds weird: trust me, this is a mandatory nap situation). I was home with William and had just put him down for his nap and was expecting Laura within an hour or so for a visit at home. I headed for the couch, anticipating a little quiet time alone. Then Laura called. The car's owner, Phil, had arrived at the Newport News airport and was coming to pick up the car. What? That's awfully short notice! Grrrr ..there goes my nap...

Soon there was a knock at the door. I grabbed the keys and slipped onto the porch thinking we could quietly go out and get his car ready to go. I didn't want to risk waking William with talking. I'm embarrassed to say I probably wasn't even very welcoming or friendly. He took his keys and unlocked his car then transported his heavy-looking army duffles from the curb where the cab had dropped him to his car's back seat. 

I took the van key and went in the garage to start the van. And ....nothing.  Its battery was also dead. Ok then. Finally some sense of hospitality kicked in and I invited him into the house for a glass of water. It was a hot, humid afternoon. There was nothing to do now but wait for Laura to arrive in Michael's RAV4. 

We sat in the den and I found a bowl of watermelon in the refrigerator to offer him. He made a quick call to arrange himself a room for the night somewhere on base.  We talked about where he had been (Kuwait) and about his family. He has two children: one near WIlliam's age and a 7-week-old he has never met.  I told him I have been away from my family and it has made me really appreciate those in the military and their sacrifice apart from their families. We agreed on how great Skype and FaceTime are.

In about 20 minutes Laura arrived, greeted Phil, and pretty quickly got him on his way. But before he left, he helped me roll the van out of the garage. I left the task of jumping off and battery replacement for a little later. Laura and I got a little rest in before William woke. 

There are many days I spend time feeling sorry for myself. Mostly for things that are just uncomfortable or inconvenient. Then I realize I'm not the only one in a difficult situation. In fact, there are certainly some much worse. Likely many here in this hospital and particularly in the NICU. 

So days when I feel like complaining, or more likely, actually DO complain, maybe I'll think of the brown car and what it represents. 

The light at the end of the tunnel

In the past I would have thought this a perfectly fine metaphor....even up until very recently.  But now, it has worn out its welcome for me. 

You would think this would be perfect for our current situation here with Isaac: a prolonged dark, difficult period that will eventually end. But it's not that simple. 

For example, driving to and from Norfolk there are two tunnels you must pass through. So, seeing 'the light at the end of the tunnel' is just temporary. After the Monitor-Merrimack Memorial Bridge Tunnel (which by the way has an ENTIRELY too long name), there is yet another tunnel to pass through- the Midtown tunnel which ends very near the hospital.  And of course, on the return trip the same is true - in reverse order. 

This has been a multi-tunnel experience and will continue to be. And sometimes even exiting a tunnel doesn't bring sunshine. There are dark and rainy days. 

Maybe one day I'll be able to look back at this as one long tunnel that I no longer travel through, but for now I have to be content with sections of sunshine along the way. 

“You, Lord, are my lamp; the Lord turns my darkness into light.”

2 Samuel 22:29 NIV

William dictionary

Anyone who has spent time with a toddler knows they have their own language and it sometimes needs a little translation. So here's a little peek into WIlliam's linguistic world. 

"Amma hold you" - a few months ago, this literally meant 'pick me up'. It now means, I feel insecure! Comfort me!  I don't like what is happening! Synonyms are "mommy hold you" and "daddy hold you". 

"Make ding ding" - William decided a few weeks ago he enjoying making sounds by banging a wooden spoon on things. There is a little metal plant stand out in the screened porch that is especially nice. 

"Baba" - William's comfort blankie is a set of Laura's pajamas. They are required for naps and bedtime and other snuggly moments. The primary 'baba' is the bottom, as he prefers the elastic. ' Second baba' (pajama top) is an acceptable substitute. 

"Cow bunnies" - This all started because William really enjoys a type of cracker called "bunny crackers". I ended up buying another brand of similar organic crackers that are shaped like cows and the earth (I have no idea why). We told him the cow crackers are like bunny crackers....thus, 'cow bunnies!'

"Sis! Sis!" -  used when pointing at a thing or picture and means "what is this??!"

"Place-to-park" - any parking deck, particularly the visitor parking at the hospital. 

"No that one!" - he does not want to hear that song (sung by me or played on YouTube)

"Ca-woo" - carry you.  As in "Amma ca-woo downstairs"

"Wittle man" - Lego people. 

"Have it!"  - I want that! Give it to me! (Often followed by, "William, how do you ask?)

"Hmmmmm".....- William's response when he doesn't know the answer to your question. 

"Juicy gig" - nonsense word that makes William laugh. It all started when I was cutting a watermelon and he tasted it and we said it was juicy. Can't remember how it evolved to this this. :)

"Night night to Amma"- I'm sure you can guess... Someone says 'say night night to Amma" and that's what he does. 

"Uh-oh garbage!" Or "uh-oh cabinet!" - the lid to the garbage can is open or the cabinet door is open. Close it!

"Mac-n-n-cheese" - he insists on the extra middle syllable :)

Forty days

I just realized this morning that yesterday was day 40 for Isaac in the NICU. This isolette with its quilted cover has been all he's known. 

40 days is, of course, a common theme in the Bible. It generally is a time of testing or trial. Yes...that it has been!  Isaac has been subject to a lot of intervention, discomfort and pain during this time-- as have his parents (and me). We have known fear, and sadness, and exhaustion. It's been a long 40 days. 

Today they rolled out that isolette and brought in this bassinet! The kind a 'normal' newborn would be placed in at birth. Now we can go in and look right at his sweet face and touch his little peach fuzz head. And we can pick him up (carefully!) and hold him!  

This morning Laura spent some time holding him and when she put him back down, changed his diaper,etc, he got very awake. He seemed to want to take in the new scenery that was above his bed now. He was awake and alert for so long, Laura couldn't drag herself from his bedside. She only did because she needed to be home soon so that Michael could go in to work (plus have her time with William.)

This may not be the end to our NICU experience, but we are grateful that those 40 days of trial are past! Thank you God!

The Wall

You know, the wall you hit when you can't summon up the physical or emotional strength to go forward. Well I've hit it a few times over the last weeks. And I know Laura and Michael have. 

Today was one of those days. It probably started last night, which was actually a night of celebration. We were all at the hospital and so happy that Isaac was no longer on a ventilator and continuing to do well. We decided to 'go out'. We had to wander a bit because the first place we chose was drive through/ take out only. So by the time we sat down with our dinner at Panera Bread it was quite a bit past our usual 5:30 dinner time. And by the time I dropped Laura and Michael back at the hospital and got home with William and readied him for bed it was nearly 9. Pretty late for 23 months old. 

Then I probably stayed up too late. I was catching up with some Huntsville friends via text at a reasonable hour in central time, but 'too late' for a tired Amma in eastern time. Then I got the 5:54 wake-up call: "Amma Amma Amma".  So, we got on with our Monday. 

One of Laura's friends invited me to bring William to the park where a group of moms was meeting. I decided it might not be a bad idea to give William a change of scenery and some interaction with other children. (He has lived in an almost exclusively adult world in recent months). So, after a trip to TJmaxx (yes after 4 months...surprise! Your toddler's clothes are too small😃) we headed to the park. 

The other moms were kind and friendly, but I mainly followed William around and we slid down the slide many times (only together! William is not daring). So soon we said our goodbyes and I tried to get William home awake and ready for lunch before his nap. In spite of that, he decided to fight going to sleep. He is almost always pretty easy and cooperative at bedtime and nap time, but today....  

He finally gave in and went to sleep and I took the opportunity to rest myself. But he decided to nap short today and "Amma!" woke me from my sleep. 

I was tired and William got up on the wrong side of the bed. He could only be pleased if sitting in my lap while watching Binkie TV videos on my iPad. We sat by the big front window watching for 'Amma's blue car' meaning mommy was home for the afternoon. Then I got a text saying there was a new caring bridge post. 

For whatever reason, God had put on Laura's heart to say some encouraging words about me today. I cried. I had to explain to William, "I'll be right back.  Amma needs a tissue"

I am still tired. And weepy. But I am thankful for answered prayers from those who have prayed for our strength and rest and perseverance and encouragement.